When planning to marry an Igbo lady, at some point, you’ll have to meet her parents face-to-face. How do you prepare for that first meeting with your Igbo in-laws? How many times is a would-be-groom expected to visit his future Igbo in-laws before getting their consent to marry their daughter?
What are the things a groom expected to bring along during his first official (introductory) visit and subsequent visits to the bride-to-be’s parents and extended family? What should you expect and how can you ensure that you make a good first impression?
We have all the answers for you, plus more to help you nail your first meeting with your in-laws, including what they expect of you, questions you should ask, ideas of gifts to take to them. Swipe/ scroll down to see them, and make sure to read to the end if you don’t want to miss a thing.
Most men dread the part when they have to meet with their future father-in-law, but it’s not that scary if you know what to expect. This post will give you the ‘expo’ to ensure that you will be fine through it all. There’s a right and wrong way to show up, and there’s an expected way to go get a ‘YES’ from the family of an Igbo woman when asking them for her hand in marriage.
These days, the visits can be compressed, depending on the readiness of the groom, and how fast he has established familiarity with the bride’s parents. Now, let’s get straight into explaining the different customary visits a groom makes towards taking an Igbo wife – first a video illustration, and then the steps explained in detail.
Video Illustration of Groom’s Meeting With His Igbo In-Laws
Meeting Your Igbo In-Laws: How to Prepare for the Igbo Customary Marriage Introduction
The Igbo traditional marriage rites and the process can be broken down into 4 main stages, and the groom-to-be with his family members are expected to visit the bride’s direct and extended family for the necessary discussions and bride price negotiations. First, I need to share with you a common mistake you should avoid (below) that could cause you to spend more money.
Common Mistakes Men Make When Trying to Marry an Igbo Girl/ Lady
In Igboland, your marriage proposal (with your fiance) is not enough to take her to the altar. You need to meet and ask her senior members of her ancestral family/ her father’s family. Asking her father or Uncle (guardian) is not enough, although it’s the right first step.
Note that the process is simple, friendly and not complex at all – although most men let hearsay keep them from taking the next bold step. Read on to know how to go about marrying an Igbo lady according to the Igbo custom.
Many grooms-to-be to igbo ladies make the mistake of jumping this stage. Some take their very first visit to the bride’s extended family to mean the ‘traditional marriage’. When they do that, they’re surprised to be told that they’ve just started and there are a few steps before the traditional marriage.
They’re then informed that they need to (i) formally request and obtain the traditional marriage list and (ii) prepare to do the ‘ime ego’ (bride price payment) and (iii) finally have the ‘igba nkwu’ (traditional engagement/ wedding ceremony).
Curtesy and tradition demands that you first meet-and-greet elders of her family, make your marriage intentions known to them, and them OFFICIALLY ask them how to proceed to marry their daughter.
You can’t copy an Igbo Traditional Engagement/ Marriage List from anywhere or the internet to use. Just use them for your budgeting purposes, to get yourself prepared. Besides, ‘the List’ varies slightly or significantly across different Igbo villages. The right way is to meet the your bride’s father and officially request for it.
Meeting the Father-In-Law & Bride Telling Her Parents (True Stories from Real Couples)
However, on the very first visit, do not go empty-handed, make a good first impression by taking some good quality gifts (usually some bottles of wines and hot drinks, and anything else) – again, courtesy demands that. That’s (almost) how it’s done everywhere in Nigeria.
In Igboland, if a groom-to-be mistakenly brings the engagement list on his very first visit, your intentions would be suspicious, the items you bring would be received (but not regarded as ‘traditional marriage list gifts’) and you will still be required to bring the bride’s village official/ customary engagement list gift items – meaning you will spend more.
Read on for the correct way (according to Igbo customs) to go about asking to marry an Igbo woman.
VISIT #1 – Iku Aka or Iju Ese (Door-Knocking): Officially Meeting Her Parents, Accompanied by Your Family, Presentation of Marriage Intent/ Seek for Parents Consent/ Inquiry
The purpose of this visit is to introduce your parents and a few family members to the family of your intended bride, so that they can (on your behalf) present your ‘marriage proposal’ (or intention to marry their daughter) to them.
If you’re a foreigner reading this, you need to know that in Nigerian tradition, marriage proposals are presented to the bride’s family (and not the bride). So, even if you have proposed to her, you need to do the traditional proposal to get the parents’ consent (before a wedding can take place).
The Igbo translation of iku aka is ‘to knock on the door’ and “Iju Ese” is translated as: ‘to ask about or inquire’. This is the very first visit of the groom-to-be to his prospective in-laws. Accompanied by a few members of his family and maybe a close friend or two, the would-be-groom makes an introductory visit and formally introduces himself and his family members to the bride-to-be’s family.
The purpose of this visit is to officially make known his intent to marry their daughter and then ‘ask’ for the bride’s parents’ consent.
Nigerian Marriage Introduction: All a Groom Needs to Know About ‘Door Knocking’
Who Should Escort the Groom: You (the groom) should not go alone for the ‘iku aka’ visit – you are expected to be accompanied by your father and elderly relatives, plus a few close friends (optional). Here, the groom-to-be, accompanied by his parents and a small group of close family members (one or two uncles and aunts) visit the bride’s parents.
Sometimes, if the groom’s father cannot go with them, the groom goes with a few of his close family members, including someone that represents his father.
The purpose of the visit is to officially announce his interest in marrying their daughter and also asking the girl’s hand in marrying their daughter. His father or an elderly Uncle would be the spokesman at this visit.
Go with Discretionary Gifts. Don’t Go Empty-Handed: When going for the ‘iku aka’, the groom is not expected to take any gift along, but you can use your discretion to take a few gifts – not good to go to your in-laws empty-handed.
We see some grooms taking some hot drinks (some kolanuts, a small gallon of palm wine, alcoholic drinks such as schnapps/whiskey, and/ or non-alcoholic wine), on this initial visit to his future in-laws.
- SEE ALSO: How to Plan a Traditional and White Wedding on Same Day
- Latest Igbo Traditional Wedding Attire for Brides
- 5 Stunning Igba Nkwu Attire Ideas for Men
The Bride’s Response to Her Parents in the Presence of Everyone: The bride may or may not be present during the ‘Iku Aka’ if she does not live with her parents. If she lives with her parents, she would be called in and asked for her own consent.
If her answer is “yes”, the gifts (kolanuts and drinks) are accepted and shared there. Her parents also have a say – they can accept or deny your proposal to marry their daughter (even if she said ‘yes’). So, in this meeting, the bride’s parents would also let you know if it’s a ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
If the bride replies with a ‘No’, the meeting would come to an end. If the bride-to-be lives far from her parents, her family will tell you that you will be contacted with the answer/ response, whether a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If you receive a ‘yes’, you proceed to the ‘ime ego’ stage.
Next Steps After a ‘YES’: If the bride’s answer is ‘YES’, then the groom should formally inform the bride’s parents of how soon or the possible date he intends to do the traditional wedding and also asks for information on the process. He would be told about ‘the traditional marriage list and bride price document’ and how to get it.
Any further visits would be scheduled, but usually, there’s none. The next step is for the groom to start preparing to get the items in ‘the list’ presented to the bride’s family and also do the traditional wedding – both can be done on the same day or on separate days (as the groom decides).
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Hello Stella, I’m back again lol. The full gist. My parents are late and I grew up with my uncle and his wife. My fiance has come to see my parents but on an official visit but that should mean he wants to marry me right?
#2 should he come visit again with his people to request for the list or he can call my uncle to ask him over the phone? Or should he travel down to east to ask for the list where everyone is gathered?
#3 if he decides to travel down to east according to how my uncle wants it, can he get the list on the same day he came? So that on the next visit he would come with the items and pay my bride price
#4 after paying my bride price can I move in with him or do we have to wait to do traditional wedding?
#5 how long should we wait to do wedding after bride price has been paid?
Hi dear Precious. Thanks again for coming back, and giving me the full backstory for a clearer understanding. You’ve done well. Your Uncle is your Father-figure and will represent your late dad in matters of your marriage rites.
So, here’s what I understand, and I’ll include my comments here and there:
1) Your Fiancé has come to meet your ‘Father’.
Comment: That’s a step. But did he just visit and go? Did he tell them he wants to marry you? If he did not tell your Father that he wants to marry you, you cannot assume so. The tradition says that a ready groom-to-be must open his mouth and tell the bride’s father who he is and also say that he intends to marry you. *So, if he did not say so with his mouth, that means he is not yet ready to marry you.
But some groom-to-be make another visit (after the first) to physically meet with their future bride’s father to tell him that they intend to marry his daughter.
2) From your gist above, your fiancé did not do that first step – to tell your Father that he wants to marry you. This is a necessary step before he comes with his people or request for ‘the trad marriage list’.
WHAT HE SHOULD DO?:
-He should visit your father again (preferably with one or 2 siblings and 1 or 2 friends), and tell him ‘man to man’ that he wants to marry you.
-He should also let him know that he would like to know the next steps required of him. Your Uncle may then tell him that okay, that he should make come with his family to meet with your extended family to make his marriage intention known to your people. So, your Father would ask him to inform him of a date when they plan to come > your Father would relay this date to the male figures of your extended family who needs to be there. **Before he leaves, he can also officially request for the traditional marriage list.
-Your fiancé then goes back to his base, and informs his own family of the next steps. Then they agree on a date and inform your Father. **I have a detailed post on what happens in this stage – go here and read it Igbo Traditionary Marriage Stages Explained for Grooms
3) He may not get the list on the same day. But once he asks for it, it can be sent later to him.
4) After the visit when he tells Your father that he wants to marry you, and asks of the list – on next visit, he can bring everything to present for your Dowry and bride price, to marry you.
5) After paying your bride price PLUS also presenting your Dowry (i.e. traditional marriage list items), you’ll officially be a married woman, according to Traditions – because there would be a small process that can be done in a sitting room/ parlour or as a big Traditional Marriage event.
5) After your bride price and dowry (trad marriage list), you can do your wedding the same day, the next day, the next month or next 3-6months. You can fix your white wedding any date you like, following your Traditional Marriage.
*Please take some time to read the full posts where we already wrote the steps:
–Meeting the Father-In-Law & Bride Telling Her Parents (True Stories from Real Couples)
–Igbo marriage Process – Answers to Common Questions Grooms Ask
–Stages and Customs in Igbo Traditional Marriage Ceremony (Grooms’ Guide)
Hope that helps, Precious. Let me know if you are still confused.
Hello Stella thanks for this. My fiance and I both stay in the same area because I school in ogun state. He hasn’t seen my parents before not until last week we both travelled down together so he could meet them. But he was asking my dad if I could go back with him for us to make our plans together since we’re planning on getting married by December but my dad refused so I’m home with my parents. What I want to ask now is after this visit what’s next? because my dad said his next visit should be in the village where all the family members would be gathered. Please can you help me out
Hi Precious, welcome to NaijaGlamWedding. From your story, your fiancé only came to ‘get to know’ your parents for the first time, and now wants both of you to start planning a wedding. By Nigerian customs and traditions, that is not how it works.
Your Dad is right. There’s now wedding to plan until a groom-to-be has gone through the steps of Nigerian Traditional Marriage Proposal rites, which is: get to know her parents > introduce your marriage intentions to them (in the presence of her Dad) > groom-to-be brings his parents and Uncles for the customary Marriage Introduction or ‘Door Knocking’ to formally ask for consent and acceptance of bride’s hand in marriage > If the proposal is accepted, groom-to-be requests for the Traditional Marriage/ Engagement List > next steps is for groom to arrange a date to pay the bride price and also present the Traditional Marriage List (aka Dowry) to your family > Next is wedding planning and wedding date fixing can start, beginning from the traditional wedding ceremony.
Sis, please go through the above steps and see which of them your fiance has or has not yet done. Why does he want to jump the steps? Every woman’s dream is to get married, but it is more honorable for a groom to marry her properly. So, ask your fiancé to do the right thing first. The ball is in his court. He should be asking for the Trad Engagement List and fixing a date to bring his family for the Marriage Introduction (Door Knocking).
You should also send him this reply and the above article so he knows the next steps in planning to marry a Nigerian woman.
Hope that helps.
Thank you ma’am, I’ve actually spoken with him so now we want to take things gradual and do it the normal process. He didn’t grow up in Igbo land that’s why. I’ll send your reply to hom
Hi Precious dear, I guessed as much that your Fiance is not familiar with Nigerian marriage traditions and process. He is not alone. That’s why I have series of articles to help guide ready-grooms.
–Edo Traditional Marriage Introduction Process: Grooms Wedding Planning Guide
–Nigerian Traditional Engagement List: Grooms Preparation Guide
*I just replied to your other question. Please check it – there’s additional details you and your Fiancé should see.
You’re doing well, to get all the information he needs. Well done.
Thanks for your message, am not doing baby mama lol😀. I love her so much and I want to marry her, I already informed my parents. I just pray and hope things goes according to plan. And if I may ask… If they have no issue with me marrying there daughter can we ask about the list on the same day. And all necessary things we need to do to hasten up the marriage process. Thanks
Hi Owolabi. Nice to know that you plan to get married to her. 😀 So, we the Aso-ebi gang are here behind you. Lol
Having informed your parents is the most responsible thing to do. Well done!
On your question: Yes, you can request for ‘THE ENGAGEMENT LIST’ on the same day that you and your parents visit her parents (to declare your marriage intentions).
You may want to take a peek into what the Igbo Engagement List looks like, to enable you start budgeting in advance.
All the best, bro!
Good day, I am very scared and confused right now. Am a Yoruba guy dating an Igbo girl from anambra, her father stays in the village(orkija) And her mother and the rest of the family live here in Lagos. We both discovered she’s pregnant and she has been scared to tell that to her mom, but we eventually told a brother of hers but before we could tell the mom she already knew and now feeling disappointed on her daughter.
Now she told me her people wants to meet my family this coming Sunday on such a short notice and have informed my people as well. But am just scared bcus I don’t know what to expect. And I also need to know the necessary things I need to do bcus she’s 3months now
Hi Owolabi, welcome to naijaGlamWedding.com
I believe that you’d feel the same way that you feel now if your girl was Yoruba or another tribe (aside from Igbo). Every parent expects their daughter to go from getting married first before getting pregnant. So, your girl’s parents are justified.
I get how you feel – any man in your shoes will feel the same fears.
But what you do next would depends on your plans with her (now that she is pregnant). And that will form a huge part of what you say to her parents when you eventually meet them.
You mentioned ‘the necessary things you need to do’. What you DO depends on your intentions with your girl – girlfriend, baby mama or wife-to-be?
If you planned a future (marriage) with her, the above post is the first place to start. Don’t be afraid. A good way to boost your confidence is to speak to your parents and have them escort you to meet her parents to let them know of your plans before she got pregnant and now.
Do not go alone. Your parents will know how to present things to her parents without getting them upset. So, get them to escort you.
Hope that helps.
Hello Stella. I’m an Igbo girl from Imo state, my fiancé is from Abia state but his Lois from PH. He’s father is late and he hasn’t been in contact with anybody from his father side of the family. He’s mom hasn’t seen or spoken to her husband side since her husband burial. The issue now is that, if he wants to ask for my hand in marriage as Igbo girl , can his mother family representation be enough? Does he need to reach out to his father brothers and relative to follow him?
Hello Anita, here’s my response:
-Yes, he can go with his Uncles and Father-figures from his Mother’s side. I have seen some people do it that way. This was frown upon and strictly forbidden in the olden days across Igboland (as our Parents and grandparents told us), but these days, many families have eased up and don’t really mind, as long as they know that the groom is well-trained and has a responsible family support system.
However, bear in mind that some die-hard Igbo cultural bearers will still frown at that, but you need to tell your own famiy side ahead of time, and before the D-day, you should get him to meetup and be familiar with a few of your key relatives who would be present during the ‘asking for your hand-in-marriage’ day.
Doing that will ensure that no one will throw up a question like ‘where is your Father/ Father’s family members?’. Your mom should also be carried along, as she has witnessed many such events in your family and can guide you further.
So, yes, it is done these days – but do some introductions in advance, so that it doesn’t look like you hid that fact.
Hope that helps.
Hello..you’re doing a good job.
What items do my man needs to bring along for iku aka that’s knocking.. I’m from Imo State.
Thanks
Thanks, Grace. The answer is in this post (above) – please read again. In the above article I listed some customary gift ideas (such as a bottle of good wine/ whisky) for a first-visit-to-in-laws. Please read the article in full – your answer is there.
Good evening ma, My name is Dorcas based in ogun state .am from Imo state mbaitoli imo state
My husband is from edo state he didn’t paid my bride price due to financial problem, i had child before his now 3years old nd now I carried another baby, nd my husband request for bride price list
What am trying to say here
It’s good for my husband to do introduction and traditional together at d same time.
Hi Dorcas, that’s okay if you want your husband to do both the Introduction and traditional wedding together (same day). Some people do that. If your husband is fine with that, then go for it. make sure to carry your family/ home-people along with the plan.
Good day ma’am,you are doing a wonderful work here,pls I have this situation now,my fiance did my introduction Nov 2020,which is the iju ese,okuku aka and in the list it is still remaining the nmaya orji which is the mini traditional wedding,den the igba ngwu and the bride price,now the issue is dat I stay in my family and I go spend some time with his mom before I go back to school, and he is not around,wr are from desame village,now he is insisting I pack all my things and go stay with his mom,anytime I want to visit the village I have to go straight to his mom’s,den wen ever I want to go see my mom and dad I will tell him,as far as am in the village I should be with his people…and my dad says dat is not how it is supposed to be now considering the type of wine he carried,that I still have one like in his home and the Oda with my fiance that I can spend the time anywr I want to now,untill he completes even if it the mini trad den my two legs would be with him…pls wants ur take in this???
Hi Jay, thanks for your feedback on what I do here. Also, thanks for providing a backstory to your question.
Now, here’s my thoughts:
-Your father is 100% right and that is who you should be listening to. You are not yet married, or he hasn’t yet married you. He only came to say ‘I want to marry her and what do I need to get her’. They told him, and he has not come to do the rites required before your parents release you.
It’s like going to a shop to ask: ‘I want to buy this flower, how much is it’. They tell you and you come back to say: give me this flower (without paying). Let me ask you: if you were the seller, would you give out the flower just because the person showed interest?
-So, my dear, my advice is this: keep your dignity and tell your guy to ‘man-up’ and come do the necessary, because you are still single (and not yet his wife) as far as he has not yet done your traditional marriage rites. That is what your father and mother expect you to do.
-From your question, it seems like your heart is telling you that you need to pack and go to his house/ parents’ house because he said so (even though you two have not done traditional marriage). The tradition is that a man pays dowry/ bride price and presents the traditional marriage list before they are pronounced man and wife).
I stand with your father – showing interest is not ‘marriage’. So, for now, keep your ‘two legs’ in your father’s house until your traditional wedding is done.
Hope that helps.
Hi stella,nice meeting you here n thanks for response……my guy is the third son in his family n his dad said in there side the youngest son cant get married b4 the eldest son and we love each other but his not that financially stable,am pregnant and almost due my question is
..how do we go about this
….his parents accepted coming to meet my parents for introduction
…since they just coming for introduction for the sake of my child is it neccessary to collect list since his not that buoyant now
..is the introduction enough for now since the eldest is not yet married..pls help am just so confused …tnks
Hello Chika. I’m happy to have you around. Thanks for reading this post. Here are my thoughts:
-It’s a good idea to kill 2 birds with one stone. Yes, if your guy can do the ‘introduction’ and request for the engagement list, or even settle the list. It’s important for him to come with his family to demonstrate to your parents that he is with you for the long run. I am sure your parents want to hear that from him, and the introduction and more is a good way to do so.
-In some parts of Igboland, traditional marriage ceremonies are not done when the bride is pregnant, but instead, it is delayed until after the baby’s birth. So, be sure to find out from your parents whether that rule applies in your village.
-His not being financially stable is not an excuse for him not to do the right thing, you know. He can start, do the introduction part which doesn’t require much.
So, yes, the marriage introduction is enough for now UNTIl after your baby is born.
That’s what I think. Hope this reply helps.
Hello there,
Does wine carrying have to be done at ime ego ceremony or igbwanku? Or both?
Thanks
Wine carrying (Igba Nkwu) and Ime Ego (bride price payment) ceremonies can be done either way, depending on the way that’s more comfortable to the groom. So, yes it can be done at the same time or on a separate date.
You are doing a great job and God will bless you..Amen
Please am on the process of going for my introduction..
1) my uncle is very busy this period to accompany me to get the introduction list…. is it possible I visit my bride parents alone to get the introduction list before going with my friends and family members on the day of the introduction..?? Thanks
Hello, Mr T, thanks for the feedback.
Yes, it’s also done that way. You can visit them alone first, informally, to let them know that you’re ready to start marriage preparations and want to request the list in advance and also inquire about other necessary processes before bringing your family.
Hi,
Should there be wine carrying at any point during visits 1 to 3?
Thank you
Hello, the wine carrying MAY be done during the 3rd visit (Ime Ego) or it can be done on a different date, as the groom chooses. I explained that in this post.
Hello Madam Stella, lovely post I must say! I am Igbo but bred in the west with a Yoruba groom to be. His family recently requested for a visit as our relationship has advanced well over 4years. After reading this post I think it’s safe to call that the IKU AKAA. From his side; I learnt that about 3 of his uncles and his parents would be in attendance ( date has been moved twice now due to several unforeseen situations).
1st question: who and who should be available in addition to my parents from my side (we are based in the west)
2nd question: once the list is requested for at this ikuakaa stage can it all be fulfilled on the engagement day after a date has been fixed or the date to be fixed is determined by the payment of the bride price?
Thank you🙈
Hello Chinenye,
Thanks for reading and also for leaving a question. Here is my response:
Yes, that first visit they are requesting is the ‘IKU AKA’. It doesn’t require too many people to be present.
1) Your father is the most important person that should be there. Your mother can also be in there. Your father can invite a few of his close brothers or Uncles or male cousins or village relatives (just a few). Since you’re based abroad, he may invite his close Igbo friend(s) or an elder or respected person from your town meeting. That’s what people who live far from home do.
2) Yes, it can. Most people don’t a 2-in-1 thing. The reason why some do it separately is due to lack of funds. So, yes, everything can be done on the day of your traditional marriage – the engagement list, bride price and Wine-carrying ceremony.
Hope that helps. All the best!
Hello Stella. My ime ego will be in a few weeks. My mum is late and I am confused on what is expected of me and what to wear too. Urgent please. Thanks
Hello, Oge. So sorry about the loss of your mom.
You are expected to show up. Lol.
It depends, are you doing everything on the same day (ime ego and igba nkwu?).
In the ‘Ime Ego’, there should be someone to accept the things in the ‘engagement list’ for bride’s mother (your mom). You can choose an aunt or grandmother to give the gifts to. Also, the ‘Ogo Cherem’ money in ‘the LIST’ is usually given to the bride’s mother to use support cooking for guests. Also, you need to give this to the woman that will be managing the cooking team (who’s taking the place of your mother for the day).
Hope that helps. But if I didn’t really answer your question, rephrase and ask again.
Please miss Stella, I am Ezeh by from Igbo land.
I am preparing on going for first visiting my in-law to be, although I have been there during her father’s burial.
But the issue is this is it right for me alone to go there in the first official visit without my family member.
Secondly am not that financially stable to take everything in one click now because am working with a company and I don’t always have time to visit East except on Christmas or Easter period.
So the point am trying to drive here is that is it right for to go for the iku aka na uzo while I will still take long time again before another visit I feel so embarrassed about that.
So the question is can I go alone
And should it take that long like
Another festive period again.
Please advise
Thanks
Hello Ezeh,
Here’s my reply:
-You can go alone not for the official iku aka, BUT FOR an unofficial visit and familiarization with her family, with the purpose of letting them know you’ll soon be coming for the IKU AKA, and also that you came to collect the marriage list in advance. [So, if you collect THE LIST, you would be able to make an estimate of how much to budget];
-There’s no fixed time between when to go for the IKU AKA and when to go for the main traditional wedding (including bride price payment). Some people take 3 months in between, some take 6 months or more. It just looks neat if you do not take too long – the idea is that you should have an idea/ hint of what the LIST ITEMS would cost, and make the IKU AKA VISIT when you have saved up for the marriage rites.
-Finally, some men do it differently, though, and take up to a year before finishing everything. It all depends on you, and how fast you want to get married legally/ traditionally.
Hope that helps.
Good day, Aunty stella. I’m very much happy with your answers and efforts you puts in place responding to every question here.
MY QUESTION ARE;
#1 After first introduction to the brides family which is “Iku aka/iju ese” is it that same day you will be given the bride prize list? If YES, is it possible bride prize going to be paid same day with igba nkwu(traditional wedding)? And if NO, when will you be given the list after first visit or after making your intentions known to the brides family?
#2 to assume bride prize is paid separately before the the day of traditional wedding, if they can be done separately, how long will it take before the traditional wedding be fixed? Please estimate maximum duration.
Welcome, Chukwuemeka, and thanks for your feedback. I’m glad you found our posts helpful. Now, let me reply to your questions:
1) Yes, it is possible to present the bride price and do the igba nkwu (traditional wedding) on the same day, but that is if you let the bride’s family know your plans in advance (as they have to also inform their village heads that need to be present there).
Some people do everything the same day they go for ‘iku aka/ iju ese’, some people don’t. Usually, abroad grooms or grooms living far away do everything at once, to avoid travelling back and forth. In cases like that, the groom would have done some things upfront in advance, before his ‘Iku aka/enquiry’visit – thinks like requesting for the engagement list (and bride price’ and budgeting for it.
Some grooms block out a few days for this and stay at a hotel, so that day 1 would be a meet-and-greet with your inlaws and asking for ‘THE LIST’ and other information you require to kickstart the traditional marriage rites.
2) If you want to do bride price/ engagement list on a separate day, and do the traditional wedding on a separate day, HOW LONG BETWEEN WHEN YOU DO EACH is totally up to you (the groom). Some couples do that because they want to fix their traditional wedding celebration on the same day as their white wedding, some want to wait until they save up enough for the traditional wedding/ Igba Nkwu, and some have other reasons – it is according to how you want to space both events. Some grooms do them within 3 months interval, some do it within 6 months interval, some do it in less time. It all depends on when is convenient for you. In any case, it is better to not wait too long.
Finally, it is recommended that a groom establishes a relationship with the bride’s key family members before that visit – call them on the phone once-in-a-while or visit those that live nearby a few times to get to know them. By doing that, when you’re ready to go for the pre-traditional engagement, you’ll get clues from them on how to plan and go about it. If you had come prepared, day 2, you could present the ENGAGEMENT LIST. *I always advise using your bride-to-be to familiarise yourself with her people, before your make that trip, so that you can ask for the list before making the trip, and budget for it, inform them that you plan to present the ENGAGEMENT LIST when you visit them, and finally agree on a date that is suitable for them.
That’s my thoughts. Hope it helps you in moving ahead.
Hello Stella, I am a Yoruba guy proposed to a delta girl. I have made my first visit alone with wine and little cash for both parents. Now I’m planning for the introduction, it’s just a little one as suggested by her parents. I’ve already paid for the list, now my question is: is it necessary for me to support my in-laws with money for the entertainment on introduction day.
Hello Olumuyiwa, congrats on completing the familiarisation visit to your future in-laws.
That’s a good question and here are my thoughts:
While you don’t have to, it’s a good thing to do, especially if your in-laws are not that financially strong. You’ll want them to be able to cook presentable food and drinks on the day of your marriage introduction.
What most grooms do is to:
-Give them whatever amount you have to manage towards cooking/ catering and any entertainment, OR
-Give them the exact amount: Ask your fiance to work with her mother to make a list of food items and drinks they need for the few guests, so you know how much will be enough.
Either way is okay.
By the way, that support towards entertainment cost is what is known as ‘Ogo Cherem’ in the Igbo Customary wedding process.
That’s what I think you can do. You’re doing it right, so well done and I wish you all the best
Hi Stella (my namesake) please help a sister. My fiance and i are planning to go for our introduction and collecting of list in August. I am from Mbaise in Imo state while he is an Urhobo guy from Delta state. now my questions are
1. can we travel on the same day or must i go ahead of him
2. what kind of outfit can we wear cos we are thinking of wearing the same outfit but a lot of people are saying we are not supposed to put on the same outfit.
3. what are the things he is supposed to come with as per the introduction only.
My dear Namesake and nwaannem, welcome here and congrats on your next-level towards wedding preparation. Here are my thoughts:
– Yes, you can travel together. In that case, you should inform your parents ahead of time – of your coming and the purpose, so that they can make any necessary inquiries-from-your-village-heads ahead of time (so you won’t be delayed to return back to your base).
– No, no, no – you should not wear a uniformed outfit. Una don marry? Hahaha. No rush… Reserve uniformed couples’ wear till AFTER the trad wedding. That kind of dressing screams ‘we’re officially married’ in the eyes of Nigerian customs and traditions. So, don’t dress same-same.
– The choice of the first-time-meeting gifts to bride’s parents is as-his-heart-leads him. He should just take some gifts for your parents, as etiquettes anywhere demands (not just Igbo or Nigerian). But an idea is this: he may buy a good hot drink or wine for your father, and a piece of wrapper for your mother, and also anything for the rest people in the house (which can be snacks, a pack of malt or anything he desires as the OYOYO).
Hope that helps, dear.
Thanks Stella!
How can you explain this when my wife-to-be parents are asking me to come with my people and do the marriage rites without list?
Hello Success, how are you today?
In that case, first go sit down with them to let them know that you’re ready but to enable you be very prepared ahead of time.
-Do not go alone to do this finding. Find one or two vocal friends and one or two male family members to escort you.
-Tell them that you would like them to brief you with what is required from the groom by their people.
-Ask them to give you details, that you do not want to be taken unawares. Ask them whether their people give any customary marriage list to the groom. Ask to have an idea of the dowry amount.
-Let them know that your asking is in their and your own best interest, so that you come to do the marriage rites prepared, and do it to completion without going back and forth.
No one goes to any mission blindly, and that includes going to take a bride.
That’s my thought.
Thanks Stella!
The #15,000 they said was their own share of introduction. Secondly, they said I should forget about the list and come with my people and perform the marriage rites. Hmmnn. What do you think please.
I think you should have another meeting with them, no alone. Schedule to meet them with your dad with one or two elderly Uncles, and a respectable friend of yours.
-In that meeting, have the discussion again, letting your people do more of the asking and talking. In the presence of other people, and a few elders, any shady intentions by them is bound to be eliminated.
I believe you’ll get a clearer picture if you do this.
I also replied you other comment.
Hope that helps.
Hello Stella!
I went for introduction in Abia State last month. The parents of my wife to be requested me to give them #15,000 each on same day after buying everything needed for the introduction. I have also sent part of the payment to collect list. Since that time, they are not talking to me friendly. Please, what advice do you have for me?
Hello Success, welcome here, and thanks for sharing your customary Introduction update.
You have done well to meet your in-laws demands, although you did not mention what they said the N15 each was for.
I suggest you use your wife-to-be (their daughter) to find out why her parents have changed their attitude towards you. That’s because it is only by getting a glimpse of what the problem is, that you would know how to communicate to, and how to make things smooth again for progress. Try that, and let’s see…
Hello Stella,
Thanks for your advice.
l want to ask: What is the fixed fee to pay for collection of list after knocking of door in Eberenta in Abia State?
You’re welcome, Prince.
There’s no general single fee across all Igboland. It varies from place to place, and that is why the only way to find out is to ask from your wife’s people. It is fixed by their village, and not by any parent. You are also free to go yourself to their village to request.
Hope that helps. All the best.
Hello ma,
I have gone for introduction. They said I should pay #17,000 to collect list but I sent #13,000.
Is that OK or?
Hello Prince, welcome to NaijaGlamWedding blog, and congrats for taking a bold step.
You have made a bold step by sending part of the requested amount, but in most Igbo villages, it is the community that fixes an amount for collecting the list, and also regulates the contents of the customary engagement list. >The parents don’t have a hand. They can only assist you to send the money and ensure to collect the list.
>I would suggest you try to send the balance, in order to avoid delay to list collection, as your bride’s community may not release it.
OR ask your bride’s parents whether their community can give you the list on part-payment. I don’t know how that is done in their place, as it is different across Igboland.
Hope that helps.
Hi Stella, want to ask a question fiancee will be going to pay my bride price next month,wat am I expected to do and wear there
Hello Favourite, thanks for your question. You should wear a typical traditional brides-attire for people of your part of Nigeria. You can find tons of pictures here and online (Pinterest, Instagram, Facebook), to see what other recent brides wore at their own weddings. Look through the pictures and choose a style and look to wear on your own trad wedding day.
Dear Stella,
Good morning!!!!
Please kindly advice as my fiance is not in the country and he asked his family to come and do the iku aka so when he comes back we proceed with traditional and white wedding.
Do you think am making the right decision?
Will appreciate your response Ma.
Thank You.
Hello Nkechi, welcome here and thanks for reading.
That’s a fine plan – most people do that, because they live far away and want to get pre-celebration things checked off the list before they come down for the proper wedding events.
So, that’s in order. Congrats in advance and know that we are here to feature your wedding on this site, after the day.
Goodday Stella, I love your article and response to questions.
I am from Edo state and my wife to be is from Enugu state. Please I have some questions to ask, am trying to reduce cost base on my income and capacity.
1) Will her people agree to hold the white wedding in their place?
2) Will her people agree that both igba nku and white wedding hold same day?
3) Is it compulsary that I start immediately after my intention his know to her parent? How long will you suggest?
Dear Christian, thanks for reading our article on marriage introduction overview. Now let me answer your questions, one by one – starting from your last question:
1) No, it is not compulsory – you can fix your wedding or traditional wedding or payment of dowry at any date you desire. It’s your wedding and it’s your money to be spent to organize it, and only you know when you have gathered enough to do the wedding. So, after you formally reveal your marriage intentions to her family, go back home and start making preparations (saving etc.). >Once you are ready, fix your date and inform her parents – but give enough time, so that they can put you in their schedule.
2) White wedding in her place: Her people SHOULD AGREE – all you need to do is tell them. In fact, many parents love their daughter to wed close to where they (parents) live. So, ask.
3) Same day traditional and white wedding? Yes, they should – these days, most couples are choosing to do it this way, and so her parents should have seen many weddings done this way. In this case, what you need to do is do your wedding-day program of events to accommodate both weddings, and then inform her parents of the day’s plans.
Finally, be sure not to leave the work, wedding planning and pre-wedding-day work entirely to your bride’s family, just because the wedding would hold at their place. That should not be the reason, and if you do so, you may discover that your wedding may not turn out the way you want.
Hope that helps.
hello.. how do I anchor an igbo engagement… I am an mc and I got this job of handling both the engagement and the wedding together.. I can’t turn down the offer as it is an opportunity for me to improve my skill too.. I need help
Hello Adamson, you did not say whether you’re an Igbo, as Igbo language would be spoken for the most part of the Traditional Engagement ceremony, and an MC needs to understand what’s being said or what’s going on, in order to coordinate the event.
Let me assume that you’re not an Igbo, and that’s why you are asking – if that’s the case, you may want to think of finding an Igbo MC to join you in covering the day. That way, he covers that engagement part of the event (or both of you) and you alone cover the white wedding reception. That way, you, as the main person they hired, are more likely to deliver better than if you cover it alone.
That’s my thought.
wow, i have read lots of interesting questions and answers here. i hope i benefit just like others and get my concerns resolved.
Am Julian, my marriage plans is on board now. my groom to be is from Benin. am happy he is everything i have asked for.
now, we are planing to go see my people in the east during Easter since we both stay in Lagos. but i suggested we go see his people first in Benin before Easter and he obliged. Now my concern is, 1. i don’t want to go my village because my both parents are late. i want to go to my uncles place in ABA and invite my siblings and other people there.2. i want to ensure he collects the marriage list the same day, so as to save stress of coming back to east because of list. Am just thinking it on my own, haven’t told him or anyone else yet. please, advice. Thanks in anticipation
Hi Julian, thanks for reading our Nigerian wedding planning tips articles. Hopefully, we can provide you with some helpful tips (below):
-On collecting the marriage list same day, from your Uncle: It’s possible, only IF you inform him way ahead of your visit. Traditional marriage lists are not made by individuals, but by the community/ village, and so your uncle may not have it or have an idea of the details of what and what is in the list. So, if you ask him to help you (and your groom) collect it from the village, he should do so – but give enough time for the back and forth messages. >HINT: It’s better for your man to be the one to make this request.
-You want to have your traditional marriage in Aba, instead of your village: That may or may not be possible. It depends on whether your village allows their people to host traditional marriages outside – ask your Uncle to find out for you. >If it’s not possible, an alternative may what many people do, which is to host it at a hotel near your village OR to host it in one of your Uncle’s village house.
Hope those tips help. All the best!
Is it the bride parent that makes arrangement for the traditional marriage or the groom-to-be
The groom makes the arrangement, the bride’s family house is where it traditionally holds.
The groom (in agreement with his bride) fixes a date, and informs the bride’s family and his. They agree if that date is okay with them; IF NOT, the groom supplies another date. Once they agree on a date, the groom with his escorts (a few family members and friends) makes the trip.
*Usually, the groom would ask the bride’s parents for what steps and stages the traditional wedding takes in heir place, so that they are all on the same page – and no guess-work. Just ask.
Lovely article. Thanks Stella. I plan doing my trad n church wedding first quarter of 2018. He is Yoruba while am Ibo and my mum said she will prefer we settle the marriage list in cash. So happy as it makes everything easy for both families. But my problem now is, which I asked my mum but she said she doesn’t know how it is done in Lagos. Can we still do the traditional marriage here in Lagos; like same day as the white? 2 of my sisters did theirs in the village hence mum’s respones. Please Stella advise. Thanks.
Dear Chigurl, congrats in advance. Here’s my thoughts:
>>The decision on whether to do your traditional marriage in Lagos or not DEPENDS ON WHAT IS ACCEPTABLE BY YOUR PEOPLE IN THE VILLAGE. You know, traditionally, the traditional marriage (including bride price payment and engagement list settling) is done where the UMUNNAs are (your, the bride’s ancestral home). >>I know that some times, it is done in the township (like abroad or far away cities), but that is with advance-agreement with the people of your father and the elders in the village (your mom/ parents are in the best position to find out for you).
>>But then, I have seen some people go to the village with their groom and settle some of the list things and bride price QUEITTLY without a party. After that, they fix their Igbankwu (the party/ celebration part of the trad in Lagos of wherever they like). >That way, they do white and trad on same day anywhere in the World.
In conclusion, what I see is people take their groom to the village and “give what’s Ceasar to Cseaser’ (settle the list and bride price), and then co your trad party and white wedding where you like).
That’s my take. All the best – let us know how it goes (and we are here to feature your wedding pics).
Thanks Stella. Luv you.
You are welcome, dearie.
Wow!!! This site is informational, to say the least. My husband to be is actually planning on coming to see my mum this week, my dad stays in the villa and mum in the city, he plans on coming alone. Thing is, 1-will he have to repeat this visit to my dad??? 2-upon acceptance, can the list be waybilled to him or will he have to still go personally to get it, if yes,,when going, can he go alone or does he have to go with family? 3-upon introduction to my family, is it mandatory that I follow him to his???
Thanks for your feedback, Ujay. Here are my answers to your questions:
– He may not have to repeat the visit to your dad. In cases like this, moms would usually discuss with dads on what they see/ observe/ think about the suitor. He may meet your dad later, during your (trad/ white-) wedding planning, as it would be awkward to meet first time on the wedding day.
– The list may be requested through your parents (on his behalf), so that he does not have to visit the village to get it. He can beg your parents to help him collect it. Once they receive it, it would be handed to him.
– If he decides to go to the village, he may take that as an opportunity to visit your dad and introduce himself and his intention, and also collect the list. >>Such a visit is not to be made alone – he should ask a friend or 2, with one or more family members – as many or as few as he desires. And he should not go empty-handed, but with a small gift (like a bottle of wine or hot drink).
– It is not mandatory that you accompany him.
Hope those answers help.
Hi gud p.m,pls I’ll be having my engagement dis year Oct..pls ma wen is it proper to do d traditional marriage
Hello Faith,
I am confused about your question. The traditional engagement is what almost everyone means as the traditional wedding/ marriage.
Can you re-word your question, so I know how to answer 🙂
wow, I’ve learnt a lot, thanks to u. I ve a question, am pregnant for my man n hw wishes to marry me with immediate effect but d problem is my dad, he feels m nt old enough to be married even at age 27
Hi Tina,
Thanks for your feedback – I am happy to know that you got good value from our Nigerian wedding planning articles. Now, on to your question, find my reply below:
– You said you’re pregnant and he wants to marry you immediately: Congratulations, that’s a good thing, but you’ll have to find a way to announce the pregnancy to your parents and make them understand (you know how Nigerian parents feel about pregnancy before marriage).
– You said your father feels you are too young to get married: Almost every parent sees their children as kids, no matter how old they grow to – you’ll understand when you have yours. >>My question is – have you told him that you’re pregnant? Maybe if you do, he’ll change his mind. I believe he would not want you to have the child out of wedlock, and would be more willing (to give your hand in marriage) when he hears that your man is accepting responsibility and wants to make it legal. >>So, my advice is to sit down with him and let him know the true situation, and be sure to first apologize for disappointing him (because every dad’s wish is for their daughter to first get married before pregnancy). You may want to first talk to your mother about it – she may go before you to talk to him and make him go easy on you.
Hope those tips help.
How can I manage 450k… I already bought some stuffs like the mother’s item..all
Hi Frank, the only way is to find places to purchase the (engagement) list items on wholesale/ bulk prices.
Ask the women, especially married women/ mothers around you for where items are sold in bulk prices, which usually cost way less than regular places.
Browsing through the Internet for a detail explanation and I am happy to found myself here, the articles have really opened my eyes to a lot of misconceptions. I am a Yoruba guy planning to marry my best friend which is an ibo girl from Imo state but based in Lagos with her parents. I am planning an introduction but don’t even know what to prepare for it. I’ve once visited her parents with my two friends and I presented myself to them and made my intention known to them, they asked a lot of questions but they later accepted me that day, I went with some wines on that day. Subsequently, I pay visits to them anytime I wish either alone or with a friend. And now, we want to take a step further as her parents requested.
My question now is that:
1. What can I call that my first visit, can I refer it to be that step you called “knocking on the door”
2. What can I prepare for the next visit and how can I plan it
3. How many people can I go with
What are the things expected of me to do according to Igbo culture
Please help me with all those questions, my girlfriend can’t answer all those questions as well because she’s the first born and they were brought up in Lagos, she only knows about Yoruba marriage. I will be grateful if you can give me the best guidelines and answers to all my questions as I don’t want to stay my image with her parents cos they really like me. Thanks
Hello Ajani, you started on the right track. Bravo!
So, you have technically, officially made your intentions known to her parents. NEXT is:
– ASK her parents for the traditional marriage list (see what it looks like here)
– Purchase the ‘ LIST ITEMS”. This is the main things you will prepare for (as per your second question).
– Fix a date for your ” IME EGO (bride price payment) and IGBA NKWU (trad wedding ceremony & reception) [Involve her parents in decisions regarding date, venue location and other matters]. **This is the Igbo version of IGBEYAWO.
-Invite your own people (comprising close family, friends) – it’s okay to have many as you can afford to have. This is similar to the number of people you’ll ask to escort you if it was a Yoruba bride/ wedding.
– Do the IGBA NKWU ceremony and take your wife home
So, meet her parents and let them know that you are now ready to perform the traditional marriage rites and pay the bride price; ASK THEM FOR THE ‘CUSTOMARY MARRIAGE LIST”. Be open to her parents to let them educate you on the next steps and process to take. Even though you’ve read this post and have an idea of what the Igbo traditional marriage process is, still ask them – they’ll be happy to tell you.
Since you’re already familiar with her family, you may want to do the remaining things at once, AFTER YOU GET THE LIST.
Generally, there’s nothing intimidating – plan this jointly with your inlaws and ask them questions along the way. They are expecting your questions.
Hope those tips help. All the best!
Hi Stella, thanks for your reply. I did my introduction proper on Jan 15 and it was marvelous. I went there with my close family numbering around 20 and we re welcomed very well. I must be sincere, Yoruba can never be such friendly or entertain more than that (kudos to igbo). Even the drinks we carried along was shared before we left and more drinks were brought out as well to entertain us. Now, I ve collected the engagement list and it was not as people proclaimed it to be, it was moderate and reasonable, majority of things there are just symbolic. As a matter of fact, it use to be more than that in Yoruba engagement but it’s not documented and it’s not always on a list like that. The next stage now is my traditional which I believe God will take control. Thanks
Hi Ajani. Congratulations! I’m so happy to hear that it all went well.
Thanks for confirming that ‘the Igbo traditional marriage list and things are not as scary as most non-Igbos say it is. I told you that it’s not very different from the way you do it in Yorubaland.
I look forward to hearing about the trad wedding – but then, I believe that it would be awesome.
Thanks for the feedback.
I want to marry an igbo girl precisely from abia state.Can I visit my bride family alone for introduction before going with my family.is it rite.
Hello Fidel. Yes, it’s the best way – you first do a casual visit to her family. That way, you would gauge their acceptance of you, familiarize yourself with them, ask for the engagement list – so that you will come back with your family to do the ceremony and present the list items to them.
My husband to be want to come and pay a casual visit to my family.
Is it right for him to visit with win or should he come empty handed. Please list the items that is necessary here. He will be come on 1st` January 2017.
Hi UG, it’s not compulsory; but out of respect for your parents and to leave a good impression, it’s better for him to go with a small gift item, like a wine and/ or any item(s) he feels like – maybe also with a gift of wrapper for your mom. There’s no particular list of things to take along – anything, but drinks are common.
hi, good morning. I am Edo a and ma girlfriend is IBO and she is carrying ma baby of 3months now dough I accepted the responsibility of taking care of her and the baby which I have been doing. Now we want to do the traditional marriage. I have just 100k and the list I received the total cost is way beyond ma 100k. the elder brother’s traditional marriage is on the 28th April and the parents are saying mine should follow 2days after his own. please wat do I do ?
Hello Acholadam, welcome here and thanks for your question. Here are my thoughts:
-You don’t have to do your own trad wedding immediately 2 days after her elder brother. I am sure they were just pulling your legs, and only want to tell you that yours is next. You can do it a few months later, once you have saved more.
– Since you don’t have enough money for the whole engagement list items, an idea is to do a few things now (with that N100k) and do the rest later. Some people do it that way. You just have to let your inlaws know.
– In some places, they do not accept for bride price or traditional marriage rites to be done when the bride is visibly pregnant. It may not be the same with her place – since her family are encouraging you to go on with doing the trad wedding.
Final advice: Do a few things now, and finish the rest when you have more money.
Dear Stella,
My husband to be is in a far away country and will be coming back this december for ime ego in my home town in Anambra State, left for me i will like the ime ego and igba nkwu to take place same day(igba nkwu is every girl’s dream) because I work with a bank in Lagos, but he insists on only ime ego, i have a tight schedule and might not get another leave next year for igba nkwu so i want to know if I’m rightly married after ime ego so i can just go ahead and plan for my white wedding next year in Lagos.
Dear Nenye, thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. Nne, I totally ‘feel’ you on your preference of having both ime-ego and igba-nkwu on the same day. It can even be cheaper than hosting them separately, as you’ll save time and costs from travels (both of you making only 1 trip instead of 2). I also agree that it’s a classier arrangement.
Thing is that he obviously has his reasons, and you have to find out what they are – is it costs or what? Is it that he can only afford to do one this year and wants to save up towards the igba-nkwu? Usually, for men, they are overwhelmed with the cost of preparing for a traditional marriage ceremony, and in most cases they over-think it and are afraid that it will cost them more than it actually costs (that’s what guys tell us when they email us here).
-It’s also your trad – I suggest that you find out why he wants to do them separately. AMD, you should talk him into seeing the advantages of doing these 2 igbo traditional marriage rites on same day, by presenting the WINS for him.
-Negotiate and offer ways to make having the two marriage rites much easier/ simpler for him. You know, most men don’t like the tiny details involved with traditional engagement/ wedding planning, even though they want to handle that and let you handle the white wedding.
-If the igba nkwu budget/ cost is what’s holding him back – maybe he wants to throw you a ‘befitting’ IgbaNkwu. Maybe, working out a low-cost igba nkwu, with not so many guests, may get him to agree.
So, find out his reasons and offer your winning suggestions.
That’s my thoughts.
hi thanks for the advices care and guide,
pleas i will like to know the steps taking to get married to an Ikeduru girl, also one who’s parents are late
did the introduction in the lagos in the presence of the family members but the uncle insist we must come down to the village and present same thing we presented at the introduction before we can collect the list
in addution is it a must to do everything in the list at once,
please urgent reply would be helpful cos am in deep thought as to wether to continue with the whole thing anymore cos its weighing me down